Summer Goals!...and a little bit of sadness

I'M DONE WITH MY SCHOOL WORK!
WHOOOOOOOO!

I have a busy few days coming and very little motivation to get through them, but I'll try my best.
Tomorrow I have a short gig where I get to play a piece I wrote last summer (but am pretty bad at playing), and I have to relearn a Bach movement by tomorrow as well.
And then Saturday I have the union scholarship audition and ASYO dinner and another event.
And then Sunday is our last ASYO concert...:( I feel achy and confused when I think about it. But then we're going to party until I leave for China at around 5 am or so the next morning. :D

I need to say goodbye! AGH! GOODBYE?
I hate saying goodbye...
I have to visit my 5th grade teacher. I have to thank Ms. Bryan and Mrs. Link and Mrs. Miller for writing recommendations for me.
I have to say goodbye to Lori Gene and Dan and Lindsay and...and Mr. Flint...:( and all of ASYO...

...

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

At least...*sniff*...at least I don't have to say goodbye to Mr. Pu or Mr. Christy yet. (Yet.)

What a sad feeling. That "weird" feeling I got a month ago is finally sinking in. On the one hand, I feel the finality I was looking for. On the other, I feel terrible sadness, and I can't do much about it.

...except look forward to the future :D
Well my immediate future is pretty scary.
And then after these next few days I'll be coasting in relaxation.
I hate relaxing.
So here's a list of things I'd like to get done this summer:

- Host a garage sale! :D
- Make a blooper reel for Jere's 30th anniversary video
- Reread all the Harry Potter books.
- Go to Six Flags and SURVIVE.
- Learn how to tame my hair, bleh

(as you can see from above, I'm highly ambitious)

- Write a violin duet
- Work on Ysaye No. 5
- Learn how to ice skate! In honor of my fan-dom for Mirai Nagasu and Mao Asada.

A timeline of old blog entries

I've had a blog since sixth grade, and I took the time to look back on a few entries...It's just weird to see how much I've changed and how I used to think...but it was also really fun. So I thought I'd compile excerpts from the entries into a timeline sort of thing...this will probably be long. I can't stop laughing or cringing at some of the entries on this list.

---

Saturday, August 28, 2004
i keep hearing this thing in mi head dat i heard somewhere.."licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets."...hmmm wonder where the heck dat came from..

Tuesday, February 07, 2006
keep in mind that im not very good at telling ppl what i wanna say. especially when im not talking 2 them in person, but im gonna try my best =T

first off, i was accepted in2 north carolina school of arts =] so ill be moving next year...

at first i was excited cuz i was going 2 hav my own dorm nd be away from home nd all, but ive been backtracking which is never a good thing 2 do, nd ive been thinking how much im gonna miss GA =[ i made wonderful friends this year that r so incredibly important 2 me, nd ive gotten 2 kno a couple more, and i juss wanna say everyone of u guys mean so much 2 me, and thank u so much for making me feel as if my life is the greatest life anyone could ever hav. ill miss u all.

Sunday, April 23, 2006
shejuti ur a disgrace to bengali
u smell like dragon fly dung and u taste like brocolli!!!

-end edit-

-edit-

shejuti be quiet u step on snakes
u belch like a beetle and u eat 2 much cake!!!

-end edit-

Wednesday, 07 June 2006
i  made all of you on sims bustin out!!! man i made the house 2 big so we were all deliriously poor and we kept peeing on ourselves and fainting cuz i cuoldnt afford a toilet or a bed...=[ but we're better now!! and when i got a refrigerator, all of us kept going every 3 seconds 2 get food. geez we were pigs. we ran out of money a couple of times becuz of going 2 the refrigerator 2 much -___- oh and i couldnt afford a tv or anything, so i bought a dollhouse for entertainment, and it was hilarious, cuz like 4 full grown adults would crowd around it talking and holding dolls

Wednesday, 23 August 2006
ohmegod.

in less than 24 hours i will be in ncsa, staking out a dorm. in less than 48 hours i will be taking my theory test. in less than 3 minutes i will scream out of excitement. in less than 40 minutes i will go jogging becuz i feel like a fatty and i need 2 get some of this excitement out before i burst a vein. in less tan 18 hours i will be all packed for BOARDING SKOOL LIKE A COLLEGE KID!!!

so laura gave me the top 11 from aol.com and im watching this dejavu video by beyonce and i absolutely hate the song. so i listen 2 some others, and they all sound the same, but by the 5th song or so im starting 2 like this kind of song. and why?? becuz societys music is manipulating me 2 like their songs!! they WANT me 2 like their style of music, so they do that style over and over again until the brainwash me 2 like it. which is terrible!! we deserve better!! we dont need this trashy, no brainer music that juss has a good beat. i mean at the same time u kind of like it....but inside u kno u deserve better!!! lyrics like jason mraz or that song on law and order, all will be well, and any other song that makes u read between the lines, but here like public affair by jessica simpson? wat the hell is that?? i mean...i kind of like it...BUT STILL!! they make out for half of the video, and the rest of the songs mention the phrase "all night long" at least in one stanza of their music.

btw, i hav a feeling the 5 second rule doesnt quite work on the rug.

nyways, WHERE IS THE MUSIC THAT MAKES U THINK? CHANGES UR MOOD? its so rare now, defeated and shadowed by "songs with good beats that are surprisingly addicting but we're trying 2 resist it. or at least i am"

Tuesday, 19 September 2006
i got up.
at 6:45 this morning.
to practice at 7.
and it is 7:20.
and annie is not ready yet.
so now that ive totally glued myself to the computer
its gonna be pretty hard for annie to seperate me from it.

BRING ON THE WAR :DDDD

Saturday, 30 December 2006
and i learned about my playing, that was great. a liddle depressing, a liddle bit more educated...but that opens up my road for me. i kno how much i hav 2 do...i kno how much i shouldnt do...i kno how much i dont hav 2 do...practicing isnt everything i learned that for usre. and i learned my strengths, i learned my weaknesses, i kno how 2 think wheni  practice certain places, i think ive learned a lot.
and i also found out that i love legwarmers!!!

Monday, 24 March 2008
so today i took some time to recognize all the little things that make ur day

like when alex li and i both held up our pinkies when ms link asked us if we've ever broken a bone before, and then we laughed because we knew we were both thinking of the story alex wrote in like 3rd grade

or when somebody writes an extra exclamation mark when they say hi

Monday, 28 April 2008

i wanna do what i want!! i wanna dance to the songs i want to dance to. i want to dance with the people i want to dance with. i wanna play concerts the way i want to play them. why is it so freaking hard for me??? its not like its freaking rocket science! 

WHY DONT I KNOW THESE THINGS? i knew them before!!

....

i should be practicing.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

i feel like i should commemorate this year and all that its been cuz its over

but

i dont want to write about it...ive written about it too much.

basically it was like a year out of somebodys life who is 100x more glamorous than i

im always going to be grateful for everything that happened...but i think this restlessness comes from wanting to take that to the next level. i want to be able to handle everything ive been given, which means a shit load of hardwork and smart thinking...thats wats missing now. my own input.

Sunday, 05 October 2008

i dont feel like writing a lot

....

but

i hate corruption. have u ever read catcher in the rye? walton high school orchestra, asyo, sewanee, relationships were all pure to me and now i see them being corrupted. maybe ill be like the main character in catcher in the rye (dont even remember his name, halter? holden?) and go depressed.

Thursday, 30 April 2009

i just wanted to add an entry to document how fucking hungry i am.

Saturday, 02 May 2009

and then paul and chris and i went to steak and shake and got fat. and we decided we wouldnt drink when we grow up because we'd probably all get drunk within like 4 minutes.

Wednesday, 06 May 2009

i think ive turned to blogging daily just so i keep sane.

Monday, 11 May 2009

a couple of random thoughts

- i know a lot of pedophiles

- my dad started a blog, and apparently he wrote his first entry on prejudice...NOT against asians, but against black people. 

- i had no idea whether to write "African American" or "blacks" on the freaking APUSH exam

- i seriously think things that eat batteries up within 10 minutes should be brought to life so they can feel pain, and then be beaten.

- i hate mozart more than ever at this very moment.

its kind of scary when youre changing so much, you can see and feel it.

i kind of realize how sheltered ive been. and the more i know, the more i turn to acting like nothings wrong; it just never seems worth it to share troubles. its so much easier to just rant about petty things like people bothering you or boys or being fat or something

Friday, 22 May 2009

so im studying...'studying'...for my very last exam. EVER. (at least in public high school). you'd think that would motivate me to actually study for this...but since im on xanga at 2 am...it obviously doesnt

Tuesday, 02 June 2009

you know whats weird? 

its cheaper to go cali from nc than ga, but the flight from nc has to stop at atlanta for us to switch flights.

...

this is why america is stupid.

Friday, 04 September 2009

i opened mr pu's door this morning after about 5 or 6 hours of sleep (my bad)

and mr pu is just shining, so happy because he thinks i practiced a lot and is about to give him a very satisfying hour of teaching

an hour and a half later, mr pu is sitting on his chair with his hand on his forehead and im trying to figure out what he means by "playing with arms like chopsticks"

by the end of the lesson i still didnt quite comprehend...

it kind of scares me how mr pu can read my mind when im playing violin. 

it would be a lot easier if i could read his too

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

and my grades are completely fine for music schools

my practicing is going REALLY well

and thats where i want to go right?

RIGHT??

this shouldnt be so unclear. really.

the answer is clearly yes. YES yes yes.

think of everything that accumulated to that decision. 

wtf is wrong with me.

okay so what if i DID try at school?

i just wish i could go back and try

but i cant and now im facing this application

trying not to care

im just trying to prove to myself that i am not stupid.

i need to get out of this state of mind....

Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Getting into college isn't an accomplishment but an opportunity, and we should all do what's best for ourselves. Instead of listing our accomplishments to boost our public face, we should smile :) And we shouldn't let something like this hurt our pride because it's their loss, not ours. And that really is a genuine statement.

This is why I'm ho--------meschooled

Choosing to change your schooling system is a risk, but I've never really thought through my decisions about my schooling. Whenever I felt that I needed a change and changed.
But the funny thing is, these decisions, made without any logical reasoning, make sense to me later on.

Like homeschooling.
One day I chose to homeschool, and I did. It was a decision made after having a lot of emotional moments, but actually choosing to homeschool was...blah. Nothing special.
But you don't just decide to completely drop out of a interactive schooling system after 11 years of doing so and just feel nothing.

Today, exactly one year after I told my guidance counselor that I was homeschooling, I realized that it all made sense. I chose to homeschool so that I could find stability.

Five years ago, before my 8th grade, I went a five-week summer festival that convinced me 100% that I was supposed to be a musician (another decision I didn't really think about). I applied to an arts boarding school and attended for a year.

I learned a lot about...everything. I learned a lot about the career I was going into and about the people who pursue it, but mostly I learned about life in general. I saw some people blossom and lots of people falter. There was something glamorous and awfully depressing about my boarding school. I took part in the mental instability as well.

Around the end of the year, I woke up one morning and was cleaning my dorm when I thought, I think I'm supposed to go home now.

I went home and attended Walton High School for two years. I had one amazing year where I forgot all of the cruel realities of life UNCSA showed me and had a blast! It was really as perfect a year as could be.

...which followed a gruesomely awful year. Mentally and emotionally challenging. Whatever it was that made this year so bad also effected my playing. Even my will to play was slowly fading.

So it's been a weird four years. I did a lot of traveling and a lot of changing. What I needed now, before college starts, is time to settle. Time to sort out my turmoil of a mind and find some peace and happiness that lasted longer than a year.

I didn't want flying colors this year or to have another life changing moment, like I'm always striving for. The best thing for me this year was just to take my time and do just good enough. I spent most of my time with my parents, with whom I've had a rocky relationship with since middle school, my violin teachers, and my ASYO friends. Now that I was homeschooled, I had the time to try to understand things I couldn't understand before. I learned to appreciate my parents and to appreciate stability. I was always looking for that thrill in adventure, but it got me trapped into a roller coaster of ups and downs. And I couldn't handle so many downs anymore.

So now I know why I homeschooled. I needed to finish this part of my life, not as a teenager with the world at her feet, but in a quieter, more stable conclusion. And to learn all of this, I needed this time to step away before I stepped back in. I hope this means I'm maturing.

I guess that also answers the whole thing about this year ending anticlimactically. I guess it's not wrong to ask for a little "hurray" but I realize now that my year is ending exactly how it should be: in a peaceful state of content.

Instructions Please

Well, it's May 3.
I made it through my auditions.

I got into college. 

I'm almost done with my schoolwork.
I have very few worries.

But for some reason, I feel unsatisfied.

Musically, I feel like all year I have only had the time to rush through pieces. Some of the prescreenings I recorded were of pieces I learned only a few days before recording them in my kitchen. Some of the pieces I played in my audition were learned a week before. The recital I played just recently was of a piece I pulled together in less than a month. And now if I want to do a senior recital, I'll have to work really fast for that too.

Academically, well...I'm home-schooled. I read my badly written 1970s textbooks alone in my dad's office at Clayton State University, and I'll receive my diploma....in the mail.

Socially, well once again I'm home-schooled. Enough said.

This summer I'm going to China and then spending the rest alone while the majority of my friends go to camp or vacation or something.

It's all kind of... anticlimactic.
...
Now what?
I want a bang! A huge celebration! Fireworks! Sky-writing!

Not really.
But it would be nice if there was some kind of formal closure. If anything, I just want the feeling of closure. That would be enough.