But the funny thing is, these decisions, made without any logical reasoning, make sense to me later on.
Like homeschooling.
One day I chose to homeschool, and I did. It was a decision made after having a lot of emotional moments, but actually choosing to homeschool was...blah. Nothing special.
But you don't just decide to completely drop out of a interactive schooling system after 11 years of doing so and just feel nothing.
Today, exactly one year after I told my guidance counselor that I was homeschooling, I realized that it all made sense. I chose to homeschool so that I could find stability.
Five years ago, before my 8th grade, I went a five-week summer festival that convinced me 100% that I was supposed to be a musician (another decision I didn't really think about). I applied to an arts boarding school and attended for a year.
I learned a lot about...everything. I learned a lot about the career I was going into and about the people who pursue it, but mostly I learned about life in general. I saw some people blossom and lots of people falter. There was something glamorous and awfully depressing about my boarding school. I took part in the mental instability as well.
Around the end of the year, I woke up one morning and was cleaning my dorm when I thought, I think I'm supposed to go home now.
I went home and attended Walton High School for two years. I had one amazing year where I forgot all of the cruel realities of life UNCSA showed me and had a blast! It was really as perfect a year as could be.
...which followed a gruesomely awful year. Mentally and emotionally challenging. Whatever it was that made this year so bad also effected my playing. Even my will to play was slowly fading.
I didn't want flying colors this year or to have another life changing moment, like I'm always striving for. The best thing for me this year was just to take my time and do just good enough. I spent most of my time with my parents, with whom I've had a rocky relationship with since middle school, my violin teachers, and my ASYO friends. Now that I was homeschooled, I had the time to try to understand things I couldn't understand before. I learned to appreciate my parents and to appreciate stability. I was always looking for that thrill in adventure, but it got me trapped into a roller coaster of ups and downs. And I couldn't handle so many downs anymore.
So now I know why I homeschooled. I needed to finish this part of my life, not as a teenager with the world at her feet, but in a quieter, more stable conclusion. And to learn all of this, I needed this time to step away before I stepped back in. I hope this means I'm maturing.
I guess that also answers the whole thing about this year ending anticlimactically. I guess it's not wrong to ask for a little "hurray" but I realize now that my year is ending exactly how it should be: in a peaceful state of content.
